You came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves just as the best part starts

It ends so abruptly.

So far, so good. I'm updating from the wonderful Rosenberg Library at City College of San Francisco, still waiting for my laptop to come back to me. I feel pretty somber right now, blank I guess, but not in a bad way.

I cried about my dad last night for the first time in a couple of months. I was writing a piece of my story and caught the picture of him on my desk, the one of him and Chuck E. Cheese from my birthday party. Then I looked at other pictures of him and my family. It's been about 6 years since he was diagnosed and still, it all feels so surreal. Maybe that's the benefit of living away from my family, I can't see them so I can't see he's not there so it just feels like he's there and I haven't talked to him in a while. Does that make sense? I thought about it, though, last night. The fact that he's dead. I guess it's just one of those things that you never get over, when a parent dies. Maybe you can't ever get over it when anyone close to you dies. I talk a lot about getting over Jonathan's death and Daniel's death but really, maybe I never will. It's still early for them, so I rightfully shouldn't be over them yet. But who knows, maybe I will never stop being sad about that. I look back on my life with my dad fondly, so many happy and tingly feelings when I think of him. He was a fantastic dad, what a great dad. Yeah, it makes me happy to think about what we had but sometimes it does make me sad. It feels good to cry over him.

This week has been pretty great so far. I decided to take today as a lazy day so rather than riding my bike the mile to school and then the 6 miles to work and back home, I'm driving. My muscles are killing me, I guess in a good way. But I think they need a chance to recouperate before I start riding that far again. I kind of like secluding myself, so long as I have a say in it. Not that anybody's been trying to call me and get me out of the house or anything, but yeah, I can think of all that's been fucked up and be kind of angry or upset about it but not be sad that I'm angry or upset. I still hope things can work out. I hope my guy friends are right when they say that all this will take is time. I hope he was genuine when he smiled at the idea of starting over. I want him back and that feeling.

I'm still hating my job, a lot but it's been more bearable this week, maybe because the job itself coincides with my want to be alone or something? I don't know but I have an interview/test thing with Amtrak on the 14th. I can only pray to whatever being in the sky there is that it all goes well. Dream job plus an AA in liberal arts. A kickass job and not having to go to school anymore. Could anything be more perfect?