Why don't you tell me, how can I do this better?

Are you out there?
Do you hear me?
Can I call you?
Do you still hate me?

Are we talking?
Are we fighting?
Is it over?
Are we writing?

Hey. I miss you.

"Oh man! School's for fools!"

I received a phone call from the human resources department at Amtrak. I'd been waiting for this phone call for weeks, especially with the price of gas skyrocketing. See with Amtrak, I figure, I can work on the train clicking tickets (or whatever they do on Amtrak) and just getting paid to ride a train from Oakland to Auburn to San Jose or Emeryville to Bakersfield. And even, dare I say it, Oakland to Chicago. ALL THE TIME. I'd be able to get a MUNI pass, take the bus to BART to the Ferry Building and get a free ride over the bridge via the Amtrak bus. Late hours? No problem, the 38-Geary runs all night to the 91-Owl which drops me off in front of SF State. I was incredibly disappointed when the HR man left me a voicemail saying that there is no room for school in my schedule. Well, shit, I've been working for 3 years to AT LEAST get my Associate's Degree. I told my mom the news, that I'd been asked to come in for drug testing for my dream job but I couldn't do it because of school. It was MOM who asked how many classes I needed for my Associate's. It's MOM who's telling me to go for my dream job, to make it work. It's MOM who's as excited about this as me. I went to make an appointment with the VA counselor and grabbed a CSU transfer sheet to see how many classes I needed for my AA in Liberal Arts. I thought I needed a lab science and a "diversity" course (listed on the sheet in bold and italics). Turns out my Women's health class is a diversity course which just leaves a lab science. I thought I would be cockblocked for science until I saw that a Chemistry class that would qualify me for my degree was available online. Score! EXCEPT the lab needs to be taken in class. COCKBLOCKED. I decided to do some research through the interwebz on the position of "Assistant Passenger Conductor." I found a forum where an Amtrak inside released the information that lower-level employees get one consistent day off. Meaning, I'd work 5 days/week but only one day-off would be consistent each week. I cockblocked the cockblock! Of course I don't know if I can choose what day it is, but if I could, I'd be able to take Chemistry online and the lab from 6-9pm on Thursday! How perfect. Then in December I'd have my AA and I could carry on my merry way guilt-free.

Oh if only I could know for sure that this will all work out. Dream job. Hella!

Making sense of nothing, in defense of something

My thought processes are all thrown off, they defy logic and I am aware of this. Maybe I am more self-destructive than I initially though. Maybe I'm making way too much of my words and actions. As lame as this sounds, I hate myself. At least that's how I feel right now. I hate the way I react to things, I hate that I'm so dependent on others. I hate feeling like if I don't constantly have that happiness around me, then I'll never have it. I hate feeling like I can't be happy without this one thing or one person around. I had a chance to save it. Then I just cursed it out, abused it and thew it away. I need more friends. I need more anti-anxiety records to listen to. I need more love songs. I need more indepdendence.

I know that self-loathing is not attractive at all but I can't help it. I realize that this self-hate is just a fleeting feeling that will pass with time--it's just trying to figure out if it's going to be an hour or a week. I had something so fucking wonderful and I thew it away and I can't take knowing that. I want it back. I want it back so bad, I'll do anything to get it. Up to and including digging myself deeper.

And someday we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea

Over 7 months later and it's still absolutely horrifying, depressing, mind-boggling and everything else that somebody could take him away from us. Why would somebody want to do that? He was so incredible, such a wonderful soul and somebody just took it without even giving him a say. I can't comprehend this and it still brings me to tears any time I try to begin to comprehend this concept. He never did ANYTHING to hurt ANYONE, he never would even if he lived for 100 years. There was not a negative or malicious bone in his body. What a beautiful person and such a shame that it had to happen to him. I miss him more and more every day and it's just different than missing somebody else that has died. It almost hurts twice as bad, like thinking about it the monster who did this is twisting a knife in my heart, still, long after it's already happened.

Daniel, if you can read this or if you can hear me, I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where you're not on my mind. I vow to you that I will now live my life twice as hard to make up for what was so hastily taken from you. I'll cry over you when I need to but I won't take anything too seriously. I hope you are with me. Rest in peace my friend.

Let this be the end, let all be forgiven

More than ever right now, I just wish I could start everything over. I don't mean from the begining as in I have nothing. But I'd like to start all of my current and former relationships afresh. I want to eliminate my anxiety or at least control it so it doesn't destroy everything as it has been doing lately. I want to get my anger under control so I don't lash out at people that don't deserve it. I want to have a new chance to be friends with my ex, I want to have a new chance to take back that lost opportunity that I so selfishly gave up, I want to start over with the one that wasn't meant to be.

I want to get rid of my car and get a job downtown near public transportation. I want to get an apartment on 16th and Guerrero because I've wanted that forever. I want a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I want my friends to be not so annoyed or burdened by me all the time. I want the VA to give me the money the owe me for killing my father. I want to not be delusional. I want to be able to control my emotions. I want to not have any symptoms of psychosis or anything close to it. I want to be ok with being alone. I want my turtle to eat. I want to be stable financially. I want some beer right now.

I need to be able to fix this. I need forgiveness from everyone I've wronged in the past in order for my life to be able to move forward. I know it's a cop-out but really, I have no control over my emotions, sometimes my actions. It sounds pathetic, and it probably is. But I'm working on it. I wish I could start over to show everyone that I'm in control. But before I can even ask anyone to let me do that, I need to know that I can be in control. I need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and cognative behavioral therapy and a new mind and a new attitude. I thought I was ok until I wasn't. I want to be sane.

I can't bear the thought that I've pushed those that I love away with my stupid idiosyncrasies. I need those idiosyncrasies to no longer exist. I need vindication.

Feathers floating on air, this is my prayer for you

I guess I have less to say than I thought I would. It's been a year since my best friend/would-be husband died. It's always shocking when the anniversary rolls around and it kind of has this "has it been that long already?" sort of feeling involved. I was confused for a while, whether I should blame this person or that person that I never got to say goodbye. It was all my fault, I suppose, for not gathering the courage to actually buy a plane ticket to Little Rock and get on it.

I met him at a Green Day concert. It's strange to look back and realize that I really only spent 4 days with him in person. But they're 4 days I'll never forget. From the free beer, to Union Square, to conversations about the end of the world, to bonding over the loss of our fathers, to drinking a lot of booze and kissing and deciding whether or not it would be a good idea to have sex. We'd decided it wasn't. But when I dropped him off at Newark airport, the thought of never seeing him again wasn't anything that had ever crossed my mind. I guess I always thought there was something bigger than both of us that would bring us together. He promised he'd move to San Francisco, he promised he'd marry me and we'd have kids together. He promised to support me financially. He asked me to come to Arkansas to be with him, he said he'd pay. He said he had plenty of money, that I'd never have to work again. Even typing it out right now it doesn't seem real. But it was, it was so real and I wish so badly that everything would have worked out. And by worked out I mean ended with us together, both alive and cancer-free. I'm glad I didn't do all the things he asked me to and it absolutely kills me to say that and know that it's true. A dead friend is much easier to comprehend then a dead husband.

I still can't believe that it happened. We talked a lot over the next year plus until it just kind of faded in a way. I still thought about him constantly. I guess it wasn't fair to any of my other relationships that I thought about him that way, both as a friend and as more than that. I was so happy to receive a text message from him when he got a new number. He hadn't forgotten about me. I asked him when he was moving to San Francisco. He said when he got better. When I'd met him, his melanoma was in remission. I didn't need to ask him what that meant. I knew he was going to die. I talked to my co-workers about him. It felt great to have someone to share all of my feelings about him with. They kept asking me why I didn't pick him and each time I couldn't come up with an answer that was acceptable to me. Now that this has happned, I don't need an acceptable answer. I just have to say "It doesn't matter, he's dead now." I guess that's my way of avoiding regret. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe I should have listened to him. I miss him so much, though. I'm forever sorry that I was too scared to go see him before he died. But he didn't forget about me. He loved me in a way that nobody can or ever will again. It's hard to know that, that nobody will ever feel that way about me. I'm still not over his death and it'll probably take a very long time before I am. I guess that's why my current "fuckin' and suckin'" philosiphy is good for me. I don't have to obligate to myself to anybody while I'm clearly not over him, I can think about him all the time and not feel guilty.

I miss you, Jonathan.

If we're never together, if I'm never back again, well I swear to God that I'll love you forever.

Bring it back to counter attack, this is not the end.

I think I'd like to just take this entry to say that I really miss my roommate, Daniel, more than I ever thought possible. It seems strange that I barely knew him, I feel like I've known him for years and years. And I still can't get over the verbiage I used when he posted a myspace bulletin about needing a roommate. I said "fate" and of course at the time it was just in a kind of joking manner. The effort that was required of all parties involved (me, Daniel, Greg, Landlord Edith) to get me moved in there--Daniel asked Edith to hold the room for me, I needed to scrape up $1200--it all just seems to crazy the way it went down. And now that my life is taking off in a fantastic way, it all still ties back to him. New friends, new relationships, new happiness all because of Daniel. Thinking about this is much to heavy for me right now, especially because in 4 days it will be the one year anniversary of Jonathan's death, so I will stop for now. But just don't be surprised if you see an entry very similar to this one in the near future. And by similar I mean probably exactly the same. I will never get over all of those coincidences.