Let this be the end, let all be forgiven

More than ever right now, I just wish I could start everything over. I don't mean from the begining as in I have nothing. But I'd like to start all of my current and former relationships afresh. I want to eliminate my anxiety or at least control it so it doesn't destroy everything as it has been doing lately. I want to get my anger under control so I don't lash out at people that don't deserve it. I want to have a new chance to be friends with my ex, I want to have a new chance to take back that lost opportunity that I so selfishly gave up, I want to start over with the one that wasn't meant to be.

I want to get rid of my car and get a job downtown near public transportation. I want to get an apartment on 16th and Guerrero because I've wanted that forever. I want a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I want my friends to be not so annoyed or burdened by me all the time. I want the VA to give me the money the owe me for killing my father. I want to not be delusional. I want to be able to control my emotions. I want to not have any symptoms of psychosis or anything close to it. I want to be ok with being alone. I want my turtle to eat. I want to be stable financially. I want some beer right now.

I need to be able to fix this. I need forgiveness from everyone I've wronged in the past in order for my life to be able to move forward. I know it's a cop-out but really, I have no control over my emotions, sometimes my actions. It sounds pathetic, and it probably is. But I'm working on it. I wish I could start over to show everyone that I'm in control. But before I can even ask anyone to let me do that, I need to know that I can be in control. I need anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and cognative behavioral therapy and a new mind and a new attitude. I thought I was ok until I wasn't. I want to be sane.

I can't bear the thought that I've pushed those that I love away with my stupid idiosyncrasies. I need those idiosyncrasies to no longer exist. I need vindication.