Making sense of nothing, in defense of something

My thought processes are all thrown off, they defy logic and I am aware of this. Maybe I am more self-destructive than I initially though. Maybe I'm making way too much of my words and actions. As lame as this sounds, I hate myself. At least that's how I feel right now. I hate the way I react to things, I hate that I'm so dependent on others. I hate feeling like if I don't constantly have that happiness around me, then I'll never have it. I hate feeling like I can't be happy without this one thing or one person around. I had a chance to save it. Then I just cursed it out, abused it and thew it away. I need more friends. I need more anti-anxiety records to listen to. I need more love songs. I need more indepdendence.

I know that self-loathing is not attractive at all but I can't help it. I realize that this self-hate is just a fleeting feeling that will pass with time--it's just trying to figure out if it's going to be an hour or a week. I had something so fucking wonderful and I thew it away and I can't take knowing that. I want it back. I want it back so bad, I'll do anything to get it. Up to and including digging myself deeper.